I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
