The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
