my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
