You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
