if i can run in heels then i can drive
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
