i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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