the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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