I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
