I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
