I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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