He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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