some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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