i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
