I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
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So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
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So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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