She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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