Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
