VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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