He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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