I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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