Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
