3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
