We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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