I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I need to stop coming to work sober
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
