I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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