I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
