I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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