You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
