made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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