Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
