she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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