someone get that fucking seahorse.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
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