What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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