he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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