yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
