Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
