***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
