Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
