apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
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Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
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What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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