Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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