I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Dick very happy bro
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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