my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
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Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
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If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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