UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
