i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
