if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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