A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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