yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
