I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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