So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
