Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
