I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
