this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
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