so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I touched a dick in church today
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
