you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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