I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
