Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
